At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
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I support this random dude and all his protests
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING