“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
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NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
LMAO
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
motivation
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.