Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
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You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
6: are snakes just neck?
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.