“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
You Might Also Like
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away