When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
You Might Also Like
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Butt weight. There’s more!
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron