Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
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The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
secret recipe
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.