Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
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This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
This is I, Robot all over again
those birds must be on payroll
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?