A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
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An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station