If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
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This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.