Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
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[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal