I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
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[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.