Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
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I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?