-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
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When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Can’t. About to go please some beans
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
My birthstone is a marshmallow.