My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
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I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Any refunds available?…
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.