Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
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We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Social distancing in Australia:
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.