To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
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Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Knock Knock
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
british sex workers really pound for pound
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.