“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
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People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Oh boy, $150,000!
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.