ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
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need a new bf mines broken 😐
That took me a moment.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I don’t know what to do
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
The Assassin.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Is anyone gonna tell them?