Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
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[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
What a year we’ve had this week.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Life is a suicide mission.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.