[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
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It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead