{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
You Might Also Like
Every time.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.