ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
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My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.