I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
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EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
fly smarter, not harder
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?