Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
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I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.