If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
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me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?