LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
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“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
let’s discuss
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.