“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
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Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
put ‘er there pardner!
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.