You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
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Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
The Others (2001)
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
The three genders
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.