Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
You Might Also Like
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.