You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
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I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”