My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
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In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.