My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
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If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.