Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
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me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.