My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
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Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently