[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
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Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.