I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
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[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don鈥檛 flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Take your husband鈥檚 last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You鈥檙e the husband now.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he鈥檚 kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he鈥檚 a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
馃幎If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 馃幎
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
馃槀馃槀馃槀
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I鈥檝e been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I鈥檓 equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
For anyone who needs this today