If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
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Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)