Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
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Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Thursday
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.