The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
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Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?