They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
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When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.