Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
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You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Perfect
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”