Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
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NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Are we there yet?…
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.