Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
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[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.