[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
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I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
THIS HEADLINE
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no