***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
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wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
We’re all getting idioter.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
couldn’t resist
the three branches of government
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here