My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
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When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.