[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
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ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.