My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
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I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
(2022)
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more