Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
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Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”