*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
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[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
[montage of me giving-up]
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.